Wednesday, November 6, 2013


I've been thinking about this a lot lately and I finally decided to just get it written down so I can stop writing it in my head.  In the whole last year since my friend Jason died (<< there's a link there in case you don't know what I'm talking about) I have gone through all sorts of crazy emotions and thoughts.  I wanted to write about him all the time and I didn't want to write about him at all. I think the best way I can explain it is that I didn't want to feel like I had to prove our friendship to anyone. At the same time I worried that he would be forgotten.  I don't know if that makes any sense but that's what's at the surface of my train of thought.

Since Jason's untimely death I have distanced myself from others. This is something I have noticed recently and have some regrets about but all I can do from here is move on and try to be better.  I think that somewhere in my subconscious I am worried that I will lose someone again, so unexpectedly and suddenly and tragically and without any warning.  I do not know that my heart could handle it.  But, like I said, I am trying to change.

There are a million things I could say that I haven't over the last year, but the one thing that really stands out lately is this: in losing Jason I have gained something else - a whole network of friends who look out for and care about each other. Because Jason was such a big fan of the Harry Potter books, I like to think of it in terms of Horcruxes.

Jason is no longer here with us but a small part of him is alive in every person who loved him.  So, even though he may not be here with us physically we can still have a part of him with us when we associate with each other.  He lives on in each of us. We are like his Horcruxes, anchoring fragments of his soul to the earth in the memories that we've shared with him. Every person who has a memory of Jason holds a piece of his story. I think that when we remain connected to each other we remain connected to him.  That is something I can hold on to.  That is something I am thankful for.


Rachel said...

This is good. I'm glad you wrote this down. How does one put into words thoughts that refuse to fully form? I'm still a jumbled mess...

I do understand the stepping back and not getting close because of the subconscious fear of loss. I did it with two of my babies not realizing what I was doing. Miss K being the first because she was my first girl and Mr. J because he was touch and go in the ICU at first. I'd lost one baby girl, I didn't realize I was holding back until others pointed it out with K and J. Can you imagine my life though if I hadn't embraced them because I was bound up in fear?

It's the same with Jason. I've found I've done much the same. Not wanting 'to go there'. Don't want to feel that pain again.

I love how you said those of us who hold memories of Jason are Horcruxes. (Did I spell that right?)

Well said Gerb. As usual. :D

Karen Hill said...

I am so glad you wrote this and expressed those emotions that catch us off guard at the sudden passing of someone close to us. I still have a post in draft regarding my own reactions. You have made me recognize it might be time to face some of them!

Anaise said...

I wish you joy in your memories . . . and the ability to trust and enjoy your loved ones.

Richard & Natalie said...

Did you know I have put off reading this simply because it had Jason's name in the post on FB? I miss him and I get tired of the ache I feel when I am reminded that he is not here (like I could forget). But I too, have learned a lot in the last year; many good lessons I wouldn't have learned any other way. Thank you for this post because it reminded me of one of the most important. I love you , Gerb.

stephanie said...

That was beautiful and I hope that bit by bit you will feel better again.

I saw that my friend, who's lost both her parents, posted this on facebook last week:

"Those we have loved and have lost,
are non longer where they were,
but are always where we are."


Mom of 5 boys said...

I just read this and the tears are flowing. I try to push my thoughts about him back often. Thank you for writing it though. So many times he comes to my mind and so many times it comes with sadness and pain but then it also comes with great thankfulness that he made a difference in our lives. I didn't know him in his personal life, only as a teacher that helped change and make a difference in our lives. Yet the emotions of it all are so strong.

I'm just so glad for my testimony of our Savior Jesus Christ and that there is life after death. One day we will be able to see him again and wrap our arms around him and all those we have lost (whether it is by tragic deaths or old age) and know that through Christ, what ever pain we feel or Jason felt will be made up through him. Thank you for your expressed words.