Today's Random Thoughts

Hey, y'all. This feels like me this summer, this moment right now. I came into my room to eat lunch, consisting of sour cream with salsa and a big bag o' chips. My room, because that is where my books are.

My lunch.

These are the disappointed looks on my children's faces when I told them that I was not taking them to the Rec Center today. The weeping and wailing was consistent. I told them it wasn't helping their cause and it crescendoed. So I ignored them and tried to read my book.

"I hate you."

"You are the worst mom, ever!"

I am trying to teach my kids that they don't get to have everything they want, when they want it. I am sad to report that this is hard, but only because I have made it so. I have tried so hard to give my kids everything I didn't have at their age and now it is expected. It is a problem I have created and one that is not easy to reverse, but I am trying. 

This book is transformative, actually. It makes me want to get back to being authentically me. The me who loves dance-walking and has incredible ideas on how to incorporate ASL into it. The me who loves to be crazy and make others laugh. The me that is, at heart, happiest in a pair of jeans and a pair of Converse and a funny t-shirt. The me that hates make-up and loves my hair long and wild and free.

The me that wants daily dance parties and frequent trips to thrift stores and farmer's markets. The me who loves to make others feel loved and happy.

The me that wants my kids to love me, and instinctively knows they don't really hate me or think I'm the worst mom in the world. 

I used to love to run. Then I thought I hated to run. But I just figured out, this summer, how to love it again. (Hint: I was trying too hard and starting too fast.) I started off with a 13 minute mile a few weeks ago and today I pushed myself on 2 miles and averaged a 9 and a half minute mile. So I'm feeling pretty good about that.

We haven't planned any family trips this summer outside of the usual reunions, so I need to work on that. I would love another backpacking trip like the one we did last year in Oregon. Maybe...

Happy Anniversary-Birthday-Father's Day

Today after church I was thinking about my parents. Probably partly because it was Father's Day and partly because it would have been my mom's 70th birthday yesterday and partly because it would have been their 47th anniversary last Thursday. But mostly just because I miss them both.

I went outside for a few minutes to pick strawberries from our garden. Partly because I love strawberries and partly because I love being in the garden. But mostly because when I'm in the garden I can think.

As I was picking strawberries I was actually trying to think about nothing. Because sometimes that's the easiest thing to think of when I'm feeling sad. I remember at one point thinking, it's a lot hotter out here than I thought. And then the sky started to sprinkle. It was barely even noticeable at first, but over the course of a couple of minutes the rain turned to fat drops and continued to fall for a minute or so before stopping. I set my strawberries down and with my face turned toward the sky and arms outstretched I enjoyed the feeling of the rain falling over me for just a minute. It felt like a gift.

Then, almost as soon as it started, it was over. Just a quick little gift from above. I'm not sure what people get to do in the life after this one, but I imagined my parents watching over me, knowing I was sad, and trying to let me know they were there. Maybe my mom was watering her gladiolas and sunflowers and, for just a minute, sprinkled her watering can over my house. I like to imagine that my dad turned on a hose, stuck his thumb over the nozzle, and sprinkled down his own raindrops. Then dad got that mischievous twinkle in his eye as he pointed the hose at mom, and laughed as she emptied her watering can onto him, causing big, fat drops to fall. 

I create these kinds of stories about my parents in my mind sometimes. Partly because I miss them so much and partly because I like to imagine what they may be doing now that they are together again. But mostly because I know that they are happy and that they want me to be happy, too.