Wednesday, April 22, 2009


What is it with spiders?

We, as human beings, are at least a gazillion times larger than those hairy 8-legged arachnids. So what is it about them that completely terrifies most of us?

For me, it's the unknown.

Is it a poisonous spider? Do I want to get close enough to find out? (NO.)

Can it jump? Will it jump on me if I try to capture it and set it nicely outside the back door? (Almost always, YES.)

And why (oh, HEAVENS, WHY?!) do they have to enter my personal space? Can't they be happy with the beautiful weather outdoors and just enjoy it, for heaven's sake? Even better... for my poor sake?

Today as I attempted to load our smallest munchkins into The Green Machine (a.k.a. Our Suburban), Hubba screamed.

Honestly. SCREAMED.

"A spider is in they-er!" he loudly proclaimed, pointing at the enormously hairy creepy-crawler who lay in wait beneath the seat.

I made all sorts of empty promises.

It won't hurt you, I promised. It won't bite you, I promised. It just wants to see what it's like to ride in a car, I promised.

Hubba and Curly looked me square in the eye and informed me with a look that: No, Mom, we are NOT getting in there with that creepy thing.

I acted completely put out that they would be frightened of something (just waiting to bite my toe off!!) so completely harmless and minuscule. I rolled my eyes, walked over to where the spider was last seen and pretended to pick it just as it retreated farther back into the shadows beneath the bench seat.

"See? I got it!" I announced triumphantly, holding out my (empty) cupped hands, walking toward the neighbor's flowery bush.

I pretended to set the spider free near the bush. "All gone!" I proudly proclaimed. "Now you can get into the car," I encouraged them.

As they climbed into their car seats Hubba scolded me. "The nay-bers are gonna be may-ad at you when they see the spider you put in they-er yard."

"Awesome," I muttered back as I buckled them in.

As we drove toward our destination, I began to think of the furry little traveling companion who was accompanying us on our drive. I hoped he planned to stay where he was. I started to feel bad that the kids would know what a liar their mom was if it showed up anywhere near...

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" I screamed. I could feel it on my ankle! It was attacking me!! I shook my ankle furiously and looked down to see if the ferocious beast's fangs had embedded themselves in my skin yet...

A loose thread from my jeans was the culprit.

"What's a-matter, Mom?!" Hubba asked, eyes wide as saucers.

"Ha, ha... just kidding. Just wanted to see if you guys were asleep!" I answered confidently.

After arriving home I searched every square inch of the vehicle to rid it of the spider once and for all. I considered it penance for the slight untruths I had told.


And so, the laugh's on me, furry friend. But know this. DO NOT FORGET THIS! The next time I see you or any of your relatives, you WILL die. In fact...

I plan to offer up a full dollar to the kid who is brave enough to smash you. Because despite the fact that you infuriate me, I am not going to touch you with a ten-foot pole.

Especially considering the fact that you probably jump.


Anaise said...

As you are a talented woman in many, many ways, I believe you are entitled to a phobia or two. :)

Because there aren't many bugs in Utah, you don't NEED spiders as badly as we Midwesterners do. Spiders are WELCOME in my house (as long as they aren't in the beds) because they control the massive INSECTS we have EVERYWHERE. The cobwebs in the corners of my house make me look like a bad housekeeper, but actually they testify of my devoted ENCOURAGEMENT of spiders around my home.

You could send your spiders to me . . . if they'd survive the shipping!

Teachinfourth said...

A dollar? I'll do it.

Rebecca said...

I sympathize, Gerb. I vividly recall a seemingly insignificant experience, very similar to yours, because of the terror it inflicted on myself. My attacker turned out to be a metalic string of confetti, that somehow made its way up my pant leg.

Freaky, even if it wasn't a spider.

Amy said...

Oh m'gosh, Gerb! I can't stop laughing! Thanks for making all the rest of us moms look a little better for the moment. What a liar! lol. I can't wait to send this to other arachnophobe moms that I know...

Gerb said...

Anaise- I don't think I could get close enough to catch any for you without freaking out. Sorry. But I find your spider-loving ways inspiring. :)

T5th- You're going to be sorry you said that. One of these days you'll probably get a call.

Bec- Thanks for the empathy. It's nice to know I'm not alone!

Amy- I prefer to call it "exaggerating the truth". Thanks for commenting!

Anonymous said...

This was hysterical. My last spider incident involved a stalking cat, a yelping chihuahua, me on the couch, and a husband who was enticed into a thirty minute spider hunt. Although in my defense, I really wasn't certain whether it was a snake, mouse, or spider.

Stephenie said...

Just to make you feel better, I got in my car and the web was going from my seat over the pedals. Creepy feeling on the ancles! Every morning for two weeks until I FINALLY discoved the black widow that had made a home in my car!

Mom not Mum said...

Okay Stephenie has me completely freaked out now! ICK!

I remember when I was about 15 sitting on my bed I noticed a spider on the ceiling right above the bed. Unacceptable - that thing could come down any minute right on to my could lower it's way in to my mouth while I was sleeping. Any number of options. I stood on my bed with a shoe and hit the fell to the bed still alive...I screamed. Finally I got the spider and squished it to it's death. When I walked downstairs to see if anyone heard my scream my parents told me they did...they were waiting for a second scream to see if I really needed anything. Lesson learned that day? If near death scream 2 times or nobody will come help.

Sister Pottymouth said...

{shudder} I don't like spiders either. {shudder again}

Farscaper said...

Oh.. I have a rule. If they live outside that's THEIR home. I have to be patient and tolerant (unless they're blocking my doorway). If they cross into MY domain.... They're DEAD!!!

unless.. my cats find them first... then they're a new toy.