Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Tooting His Own Horn


Photo from otherlandtoys.co.uk

There is something about this one doctor at the vision center where Allen has become a regular.

Not the doctor whose last name adorns their walls and business cards. We like that doctor just fine. I'm talking about the other guy, the one who uses fancy machines and laminated cards to get Allen ready for the real doctor.

This other guy is a vain man. You can tell by the very air about him that he is important and everyone had darn well better know it. He kind of bugs us.

I'll call him Dr. A... as in Arrogant.

When Allen had his most recent surgical procedure done, we were ever-so-lucky (that was sarcastic) to be in the presence of Dr. A for an extended amount of time. Twice he barked at nurses to come and fetch him some thing he needed RIGHT. NOW. You could tell by the way the nurses interacted with him that they would have thoroughly enjoyed punching him square in the nose or telling him to GET IT YOURSELF! but instead they were very professional. I was impressed.

After Allen's surgery was complete we were brought to a room to wait. And wait. And w a i t. Dr. A was busy. He would tend to us at his convenience. We began to wonder if he had forgotten about us when we heard him paged over the office intercom: Dr. A, phone call on line 2.

And then right outside our door, he took the call. "Theodore! I called you because Dr. Not-So-Awesome-As-Me wanted another $500 to lecture for one hour at our Very-Important-Doctors-Who-Are-Better-Than-Everyone conference next week. I am so sick of being taken advantage of. (pause) Yes, I allowed that other Not-So-Famous-Eye-Doctor to pay his expenses. But he still should not be paid more than the other lecturers. He is getting $500 to speak for an hour plus $500 in expenses. I don't think he needs another $500 just because he didn't try hard enough to get a flight home that night."

We were pretty sure he didn't remember we were right there, in the room right next to where he was loudly taking that call on line 2. Either that or he wanted us to be impressed. (We were not.) And then, I heard it.

PPPppppppfffffffffffffffftttttt.....t.t.t.t.t.t.t.t.t.t.

He totally farted! At first, I thought it was the chair he was sitting on, but the rapid-fire at the end confirmed it. We stifled our laughter as he went on with his phone conversation. Unbelievable! And hilarious!

At one point, Allen stepped out of the room and asked a nurse if we could leave yet. I think this was when he was finally alerted to the fact that we were still waiting to be seen. He finally finished his long, drawn out conversation. "Fabulous to hear from you. Are you going to be at the awesomely arrogant and important eye doctor's golf tournament next week? Because I'll be there and I know that will make everyone want to come. Great. See you there."

And then, as he walked in the room to give us permission to leave his presence, I realized that something had changed. He was still walking about in an air (pun intended!) of self-importance but to me, he was now just a human being.

One who, apparently, likes to toot his own horn. (Pun totally intended!)

10 comments:

Teachinfourth said...

The great social equalizer...

Martha said...

That is hilarious!

Rebecca said...

I would have had a hard time stifling my laughter when he finally did come into the room. But you know me, potty humor gets me every time. :)

Brown Thumb Mama said...

*snicker* My spam word is "ritsp."

hintonrae said...

I would have had a difficult time controlling myself after that. And I KNOW my kids would've cracked up. And if they'd've laughed, I'd've (is that correct English? can you do 2 contractions? and I'm an English teacher!) busted up.

Gerb said...

T5th- Ah, yes. Bodily noises can be a beautiful thing.

Martha- And I didn't do the story justice. It was bust-a-gut funny!

Bec- Oh, we did have a hard time. Especially as he strutted about with his usual arrogance. I wanted to say, "Dude! We totally heard you fart out there! Own it!" But I decided to hold back.

Pam- Awesome.

L- That's the worst with kids, isn't it? My kids know that if I am completely ticked off they can just laugh and I can't help but laugh, too. It just makes me more mad, but I guess they prefer me laughing AND mad. And the double contractions? I'll be honest. I had to print off this page just to correct them with a red pen. (I'm so OCD!)

Anaise said...

This post brought my husband to bed absolutely cracking up the other night--and I must admit, it is PRETTY funny!

Compensation for the long wait.

Emily said...

I hope you don't mid that I take a peek @ your blog every now and then. I am Gina's sister and know where to go for a good laugh or introspective moment. This one got me too! Keep up the whitty writing!

Sister Pottymouth said...

That made me snort out loud. Was it a rotten-egg-er?

Gerb said...

Anaise- Exactly. I still laugh when I think about it.

Emily- Any sister of Gina's is a friend of mine. Lucky you! And please, keep coming back.

Sis. P- I am happy to report that we were unable to smell it from so far off. But it sounded like one.