Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Guest Post: Aunt Spiker

I could not believe my EYES! When I awoke on that particular morning, James was nowhere to be found, the little ingrate. He was SUPPOSED to be outside, picking up the mess left in our yard from those who had come to view our MARVELOUS peach, but he seemed to have disappeared.

Well, I wouldn't have any of THAT ingratitude after all that I and his Auntie Sponge DO for the little worm! I determined that I would FIND him and BEAT him for running off. He had mentioned that he wanted to play with some CHILDREN so I went in search of him at a building which was SWARMING with the filthy little beasts!

As I entered one room, every pair of their BEADY little eyes turned towards me. And really, can you blame them? I mean, I AM quite becoming. I checked my best side and determined that I was looking my usual GLAMOROUS self. It was no wonder I had their RAPT attention.


However, I quickly discerned that they MUST be hiding something. I could see it in the smug looks on their HIDEOUS little faces and I knew right away that the something they were hiding was JAMES.


I demanded they tell me where he was LAZING about. Those disgusting little WORMS had the audacity to... LAUGH! Oh, how I was SEETHING! There is no sound more grating and disturbing than the sound of children's laughter!


One of the nasty little creatures then attempted to LIE to me, telling me James had run to the water closet. Well, I put that hideous little beast in his place IMMEDIATELY.


I gave the FILTHY little worms one last chance to report where James was hiding. They simply LAUGHED again. Well, I would have none of THAT sort of disrespect!

But just as I was making my way to BEAT the truth from them, I realized that I had not checked the vicinity of my PRECIOUS peach that morning. James could be there at this PRECISE moment, GORGING his ungrateful self! And these fiendish little DEMONS were likely only STALLING me for time!


I STORMED out of that classroom as quickly as my shapely, slender legs could carry me. I will not be returning to that TERRIBLE place EVER if I can help it! And as for James, I WILL find him.


MARK. My. WORDS.

13 comments:

Gina said...

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for making my morning.

Kimm said...

I can't stop laughing long enough to say anything besides, You're GREAT!

Glad to know you even though I don't think we have actually ever met, have we??

randbeth said...

Where do you come up with these ideas? You are so creative.

Anonymous said...

Aunt Spiker,

I was in the room, only I was hiding at the time. Those children are my friends and now I've run away. You'll never find me...in fact, I don't know why I'm even responding to this now because according to Centipede you were flattened under the peach anyhow, and there's no way you could be reading this.

Whatever did really happen to you and Aunt Sponge, it serves you right.

James

P.S. If you are reading this, don't bother to come looking for me...I'm not ever coming back!

Martha said...

I LOVE these "guest" posts! I wish there were more! Will there be more?
Can these characters go visit MY kids' schools? Even if we're in Ohio?
Lol! I wish!
Here's an idea...I think they should be videos...then we could see these guests in ACTION!

hintonrae said...

You. Are. Hysterical.

Rebecca said...

Gerb,

Please come back to your blog. Your guest frightens me.

I've never seen such a spiteful look on your face as that "Aunt" lady diplayed. Thank goodness.

;)

Anaise said...

That was great! Those kids are going to remember that forever!!!

Becky said...

I love how hilarious you are!!!! I would never dare to wear something like that to my kids school!!!!!

Gerb said...

Gina- That's pretty much what I live for. You're welcome.

Kimm- I was trying to figure that out myself. Let's just say that we HAVE met and that we're the best of friends. Sound okay?

Beth- Well, that's pretty much what I live for. Thanks.

James- I am so glad you found a great hiding spot. If I knew this Aunt Spiker lady was so dang creepy I would NEVER have let her guest post here!

Martha- Oh, how I wish it were my full-time job to do things like this. It's pretty much what I live for. If I'm ever in Ohio I'll be sure to let you know. ;0) And regarding videos... I guess the pictures will have to suffice. Just imagine spittle spraying out over the children as Aunt Spiker unleashes her venom and you'll have an accurate mental picture.

Lori- Making people laugh is pretty much what I live for. Thanks!

Bec- She is a little freaky, isn't she? I was proud of my performance until Coolister saw the pictures and asked why I was dressed like a food-service chef.

Anaise- And I will remember it forever as well. It was a blast!

Becky- So, let me get this straight... you would never wear anything like that, but would you come yell at the kids and beat their desks with a flyswatter? If so, PLEASE let me know when this happens. I would be willing to pay good money to see it.

annette said...

I was looking for All-A-Boy's face, but I didn't see him in any of these pics. What was his reaction to the "visitor"???

Gerb said...

Annette- He's on the right in the first picture. I told him I was coming so he wouldn't say anything about me being his mom and he was loving every minute. It was all he could talk about for the next week at home!

Corine said...

LOL! That was halarious! You do live to have fun, don't you? You must be an incredibly confident woman! Cool! :D

I can see I'm going to have to limit the # of blogs that I read - for time sake :) Thanks for posting!