Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Lately I've been thinking.
I've been thinking about a lot of things.
I've been thinking about being pregnant for the last time and trying to think of a way to express my feelings over the matter. Words fail me.
I have realized that as Curly passes through each stage and age it is the last time I will be experiencing it with a little girl. Why is this difficult?
I have wondered what it will be like to have my children leave for college and life beyond our home. Are they ready?
I have been noticing the unique and shared traits of each of my children and how some of them are distinctly from me and others are definitely from their dad. This makes me happy.
I have even thought about my blog - how I wish that when I started posting over 3 years ago I had taken more time to thoughtfully choose a blog name and address. (Gerb in the 'Burbs is so much more catchy than the boring Life As I Know It.)
I have thought of various things I could write about or take pictures of.
I think about relationships with family and friends. I wish I could choose a different person to visit with every single day. I wish I had more time for others.
I think much of who I have become in the last 20 years. I have not changed a whole lot in appearance but the core of who I am and what I think has gone through a complete transformation. And yet - I am really pretty much the same person I have always been. This confuses me.
I wonder if I will ever go to New York or Australia. I wonder if I will be disappointed with either if I do.
Like a child on the night before her first trip to Disneyland, I am filled with anticipation, nervousness and excitement over our plans for Halloween.
I understand that I am an introvert a great deal of the time and an extrovert the rest of the time. I do not understand what brings out either end of this personality spectrum. I wish I knew.
I cannot fathom our home ever being diaper-free. I wonder if I'm ready for that time.
I wonder if I have my priorities arranged correctly.
I realize that I love music, but because of this love for music I often cannot listen to it. Every song, every word that holds a memory for a time or situation in my life inspires some sort of emotion. There are certain emotions that are best left alone.
I keep trying to think of ideas of things to write on my kids' lunchbags each day. After 5 years of writing jokes, I ran out. I started writing inspirational thoughts but these do not go over as well.
I think about others often. Are they happy? Are they well? Are they eating something delicious and not telling me about it?
I worry that I am selfish. I worry that I am lacking. I worry that I worry too much.
I love that we get new family pictures every year. I have been wondering what colors and themes we should try for this time around.
I think about life, I think about death. I find beauty and sadness in both.
I have been watching the clouds and the mountains as the seasons change.
I suppose that what I am trying to say is that I have been doing a whole lot of thinking - and not much writing. I am hoping to turn this around soon, to transform this jumble of thoughts into words...
I figured this was the best way to start.