Thursday, May 25, 2017

Change Is Hard

We have been going through a whole series of changes over the last month. And it is hard.

Allen TY and his cute family have moved to Northern California for an internship over the summer, which will be followed by another internship in another state to finish out the year. I get it, kids move on, it's what we want them to do, and I'm happy for them and their successes and adventures - but do they have to go so far away? It's hard.

Kobe (formerly known as All-a-Boy) has graduated from high school and will be leaving for New Mexico for the summer to work at a scout camp. There is still so much to do and remember before he leaves tomorrow! But I'm letting him enjoy one last morning of sleeping in. Once he returns home at the end of the summer, he will head off to school in Idaho with Julia. That makes 4 kids that have left home. And I guess I'm happy they do that. But still, a bit of my heart leaves with them. It's hard.

Little X graduated from kindergarten, which means he will be in school full-time next year. He's my baby - so now what? I feel like I need to re-define myself. Initially, I thought I would go back to interpreting at least part-time, but there are so many politics involved in that right now that I just can't see myself pursuing it. So what do I do? Find a dream job as an assistant librarian?  Volunteer in my kids' classrooms? I'm still unsure. It's hard.

Hubba moves on to middle school next year. Tomorrow he graduates from the 6th grade. And Little O was accepted into the same accelerated studies program that Curly is in now. Which means they will both be at our neighborhood school, leaving Little X at the school we've been going to for (I think) 8 years. So I have cancelled our school choice and transferred them all back to our neighborhood school. I wasn't expecting all of the emotion that I've been experiencing over that change. I am going to miss that school so much! This could be a post in itself.

I will miss seeing Marci at the crosswalk every morning with a smile and a wave for everyone who drives by. I will miss the wave from Amy as we're crossing paths in dropping our kids off in the morning. I will miss the awesome office staff and nurse who have been so helpful to our family. I will miss the opportunity for Little X to be in the amazing Mrs. Pace's class when he's old enough. I'll miss carpooling with my neighbor, Sarah, who loves my boys and lets them know it. I'm even going to miss being in charge of the Golden Apple award for the PTA. I'll miss seeing my friends Rachel and Natalie at assemblies and activities. I'm going to miss Janett in the library and how fun she makes things there (library time is one of my kids' favorite things about that school). I'm going to miss the music classes that Mrs. Seamons made so fun for them, teaching many of my kids to play the recorder and ukulele as well as songs that are still sung in my house on repeat. Mostly, I will miss the memories being made. It's so hard.

My mom finished her last round of chemo at the end of March. What a relief! She is getting her hair back, slowly, but she is still experiencing some neuropathy in her feet and hands as a side effect. She went in for some routine bloodwork earlier this month and they noticed that her CA125 (test for tumor markers in ovarian cancer) was elevated. So she got a PET scan, which initially we got pretty hopeful news from as far as ovarian cancer goes. They tested her CA125 again, and it was continuing to rise, so the doctor got some more opinions on her PET scan and they think she has a very small nodule of cancer that has returned. Very small = good, right? Not really. Any recurrence of cancer that soon after completing chemo is an indication that the cancer could be aggressive. They still aren't positive that the "nodule" isn't actually scar tissue from surgery, so now we wait for clarification. She'll have a CT scan next month which they will compare to the PET scan and we'll see where we go from there. There are no words for how much I hate cancer and all it has taken from me. This is incredibly hard.

The one thing I have noticed the most in the face of all of this change is that it is a great reminder to me of what is most important. And despite how hard all of this is, I can see the good in all of it.

Allen and Kia are opening up a wider world of opportunities for their family's future as they travel and work in these internships.

Kobe is going to gain some great insight and experience as he lives away from home, which will prepare him in so many ways for his future.

Little X and I are both learning to be more independent as he transitions to a full day of school. And I'm sure it will give me more opportunities to explore, discover and strengthen my talents.

Going to our neighborhood school will help my kids strengthen their friendships in our neighborhood. It will be wonderful for all of my elementary aged kids to be in the same school again.

As for my mom - this has brought us together closer as a family and has given me opportunities to spend more time with her.

(But I still hate cancer. SO. MUCH.)

And all of this has helped me grow closer to God as I recognize that He is ultimately in control.
Be still, and know that I am God. —Psalm 46:10 #scripture #LDS:   


Elizabeth said...

I really needed this today. I am struggling with so many changes and sometimes I think I am the only one. It is nice to see that I am not the only one, and things will be ok. We will all make it through, right? I just keep telling myself that.

Hill Family said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Hill Family said...

I totally understand your feelings. My baby completes his 1st year of high school tomorrow. It is a real struggle. I'm still trying to find my niche since all of my kiddos are pretty self sufficient or live away from home. I just try to get through one day at a time. Thanks for sharing! Love you Gerb!

Linn said...

I identify so much with this, it made me cry to read it. Sure thinking of you sweet friend. You are in my prayers.

Anaise said...

These are big changes, and they are all a big deal. Allow yourself the grace to grieve and then look forward to the awesome things to come. You're mentoring me as I'm just a few steps behind you in these kinds of changes. :)

Jerri-Lynn Peterson said...

I recently went through a lot of changes. Having a new baby, sending my eldest on a mission, my dad remarrying just to name a few! All are good things but HARD!!
Praying for you and your mom.