Sunday, July 17, 2016

The Monster Inside

Around 30 years ago I would often lay awake at bedtime or wake in the middle of the night, unable to sleep, with a song or a poem taking shape in my mind. I quickly learned that I would not be able to sleep until I woke up and wrote out the words in my head. The last time that happened was sometime before I moved from California to Utah.

Fast forward to Friday night two weeks ago, when it happened again. The sensation was familiar but it was an experience I had all but forgotten. It took me a while to realize that I wouldn't be able to fall asleep until the words were written down somewhere besides my brain, so I got up and wrote.

The Monster Inside

This shell that I wear
A facade, at best
Just houses a monster
Awake or at rest

(There is rarely any in-between)

On terrible days
The facade starts to break
And the monster inside
Is alive and awake

(It seems to have a mind of its own)

My guard is let down
As each piece falls away
The monster controls
All I do, all I say

(There is no going back once it's done)

My shell cracked so easily
It makes me feel sick
I'll rebuild - a fortress
Of mortar and brick

(Then pray that it holds)

They call me their friend
But what if they see
This monster that lives
And breathes inside of me?

(I never can let me be completely me)

The monster is arrogance,
Impatience and defeat.
It is anger, pride, contention,
Hatred, loathing, fear, deceit.

And walls or none, the monster's fate is completely up to me.